Pokemon / Morons

The Revolution Era - WEEK ONE RANKINGS & NEWS

WEEK ONE: RANKINGS & NEWS
Monday Night RAW Rankings
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
1.       WWE Champion | CM Punk: Remaining at the top of the rankings for the week is the WWE Champion CM Punk. Though no title defense tonight, Punk made sure the world still knows he’s the Best in the World the only way he knows how… with his mouth.
2.       Daniel Bryan: With a stunning victory over Sheamus, Daniel Bryan claims the number one contender spot. But with Cena’s return rumored for the coming weeks, will he remain there, or with the leader of the Cenation topple the American Dragon?
3.       John Cena: A rumored returned leaves the WWE universe questioning. Is John Cena really returning to the WWE after his loss to Alberto Del Rio at WrestleMania? Or is this just a nasty trick Vince McMahon is playing on the WWE Universe?
4.       Sheamus: After his disappointing loss to Daniel Bryan this week, and his apparent medical problems still looming over head; Is the Celtic Warrior up for his return to the top, or has he returned to soon?
5.       Stone Cold: Twitter was a buzz this week with a strange tweet from the rattlesnake: “Might need to have a cold one with an old boss of mine.” Does this mean what we all hope it means?
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
1.       Intercontinental Champion | The Miz: And your new Intercontinental Champion… The Miz put our former champ on ice and the locker room is still buzzing at the heel turn that shocked the world… well everyone but the WWE Universe that is.
2.       Justin Gabriel: With a shocking win over the returning Christian, Gabriel proved that he wasn’t just an NXT reject. Now he just has to hope that Christian didn’t take that loss personal.
3.       Cody Rhodes: Having your best friend come back to work certainly changes a person. Cody has made it very clear that his eyes see only gold. His target? The Miz.
4.       Christian: Injury hasn’t stopped him, but after his loss to Justin Gabriel are we seeing a new change in our Captain? No one in the back will blame him from walking away… well no one but the WWE Universe.
5.       Road Dogg: Oh you didn’t know? Well neither did we. The D-O-Double G told JBL on his show that he was sick of the Tag Team race and wanted more. A warning from us to you Miz, don’t go petting this puppy anytime soon, because this Dogg bites.
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
1.       Tag Team Champions | New Age Outlaws: Oh you didn’t know… you better call somebody because The New Age Outlaws are back baby! These two returned during the aftermath of WrestleMania bringing new life back into our tag team division. With the six time champions back, everyone is stepping up to take them on. The Dogg and Assman had just two words for ya: Bring it.
2.       Show Stoppers: It was a shocker on Monday night when Ziggler joined forces once more with Jack Swagger in an odd tag team matchup. The match ended badly for the former partners, but Ziggler wouldn’t be swayed with a bad night. Teaming up with The Miz, the two proved to the WWE Universe why they are the biggest stars in the WWE today! Fitting name too boys.
3.       The Real Americans: Swagger wasn’t going to be left in no ditch after being tossed by Ziggler, and there is no shortage of Americans in the WWE. Sadly for the tag team division the animal Swagger found… should have been left in the cage. What is Swagger thinking in teaming up with Brock Lesnar? Who even knows anymore.
4.       Legacy: WrestleMania might have brought about the end of the Rhodes Dynasty, but it didn’t mean the end of the road for Cody Rhodes. With the shocking return of Ted Dibiase, are the two thinking of teaming back up? Neither would comment, but the smiles on their faces was answer enough for us.
5.       The Usos: Try and try again. The Usos tried to part ways on Monday to mixed results. Is it the end of the twins? Nope. Jimmy and Jey both made up and it’s looking like they’ve put their big boy pants back on and are ready to go.
SAY WHAT?!: With the downfall of The Authority it seemed we’d seen the last of The Shield… right? WRONG! As Monday Night Raw went off the air, the trio made very sure the WWE Universe knew they were still at large by taking over our Titantron with three simple words: JUSTICE WILL PREVAIL. If we weren’t terrified of the Hounds of Justice before… we certainly are now.

Total Divas Rankings
TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
1.       Television Champion | Jimmy Jacobs: Making a huge splash on his first ever WWE TV appearance and overcoming all the odd, Jimmy Jacobs retained his championship. But will the Zombie Princess be able to remain champion?
2.       Jinder Mahal: Don’t call him a Diva, call him a Prince. Jinder Mahal is apparently done with his former stable mates and ready to make a name for himself… and oh boy did he ever.
3.       Bradshaw: The mystery surrounding Bradshaw is something that’s got the whole WWE Universe scratching their heads… especially JBL who when asked said: “Are you out of your mind? Do I look like I have mental issues? Go talk to Foley!”
4.       X-PAC: Triple H wasn’t fooling around when he called for help, but we wish he had been. The former D-X member hasn’t been silent about his impending return to the WWE. We only wish he would be.
5.       Fandango: The Dancing Diva himself comes to Total Divas with a chip on his shoulder. After the brutal slap by his former girlfriend Summer Rae left him dancing solo at WrestleMania, the man is looking to make a new start for himself. But with how far he’s fallen, is there any point in getting up?
SAY WHAT?!: Who’s that kid in the pink and black macking on Natalya? Why it’s none other than Tyson Kidd! The Hart Foundation seems to be crawling its way back into the WWE, and Tyson is just the next stepping stone.
DIVAS TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
1.       The Bella Twins: You can look but you can’t touch. The Bellas became the first Diva’s tag team champs and they haven’t stopped since. Singles competition aside, the twins look better than ever. The only issue we see? They’re only on once a week. Boo WWE. Boo.
2.       The Beautiful People: Shock! Awe! OMG! Angelina Love returned on the arm of her longtime partner and bestest friend Velvet Sky this week. Back and forth with the Funkadactyls left the two friends in the number one contenders spot. Not bad for a team who haven’t been together in a few years.
3.       Funkadactyls: Someone better call their mommas, because the girls were rocking it out this week. Sadly they came up just short thanks to the return of Angelina Love. But we don’t expect them to stay there.
4.       Laycool: Speaking of returns! Was that Michelle McCool we saw on the arm of The Undertaker? YES IT WAS! Moments later Layla and Michelle were seen crying and hugging in the hall. This does not bode well for the tag division.
5.       Chickbusters: Who ya gonna call? CHICKBUSTERS! After a brutal match in which AJ proved to the WWE Universe that she was back to the spitfire we all fall in love with, her friend Kaitlyn was there to pick up the pieces. Another tearful reunion? Nah, these two girls turned around and marathoned the first 10 seasons of The Simpsons while eating Ben & Jerry’s. Now that’s a friendship!
DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP
1.       Divas Champion | Beth Phoenix: From her shocking return to her to a triple threat match, Beth Phoenix is making sure EVERY Diva in the WWE knows she’s back and ready for a fight. We’d feel bad, but considering how she was fired from the company by the vicious Eve, we think it’s justice served.
2.       Nikki Bella: From the top rope right to the top of the list. Nikki Bella this week proved that her boobs are the only improvement she’s made. Maybe her superstar boyfriend’s been giving her private wrestling lessons.
3.       Brie Bella: Speaking of getting lessons… We know for a fact that the future Mrs. Bryan has been very busy training with her soon to be husband. Could this be the start of a feud between the sisters? We can only be so lucky.
4.       Trish Stratus: … … … STRATUSFACTION! It’s the word that comes to mind whenever anyone thinks of the MILF with the most. Could we really be seeing a return of the greatest Diva to ever live? We certainly hope so.
5.       Kharma: Beth Phoenix better watch out, rumor has it another Amazon is gunning for her title. Kharma has a beef to settle with the whole Divas locker room, and we pity anyone who ends up in his path of destruction.
SAY WHAT?!: CM Punk was spotted earlier this week trying to sneak a very red headed fishnet wearing woman into one of the arenas. We caught them, but only just to see the tall end of an ass any Extreme Team fanboy or girl would recognize. Could it be Lita? We think so.

Impact Rankings
IMPACT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
1.       Impact World Heavyweight Champion | Samoa Joe: Joe’s gonna kill us if we don’t make him number one… Well actually probably not. The man deserves to have the number one spot, even if his ego is getting to us and everyone in the Impact locker room. If Joe’s not careful, someone’s gonna kill him.
2.       Sin Cara: We honestly wish we were kidding with this folks, but the masked fighter is back and back with anger we’ve never seen before outside of The Brothers of Destruction. He’s got his eyes set on the championship, we just can’t tell which.
3.       Bobby Roode: After a shocking appearing this week on Friday Night Smackdown, where he attached both Alberto Del Rio AND Mark Henry Bobby Roode is making sure the whole of the WWE Universe knows his name. We just hope he knows what he’s getting into.
4.       Kevin Steen: FIGHT STEEN FIGHT! He’s here to do just that. Even beating the champion this past week wasn’t enough for us. We want to see the Steen everyone in Ring of Honor learned to fear. Package pile drive us is you must Steen, but it’s the truth!
5.       Ka$$ius Ohno: OH NO! Ka$$ius has certainly made Dixie Carter, the GM of Impact a very happy woman this week. Putting AJ Styles on the unemployment line, and making a name for himself upon the Impact locker room. We salute the former NXT star, and wish him the best of luck.
SAY WHAT?!: After Impact went off the air we discovered that Dixie Carter had been attacked by none other than AJ Styles. The coward didn’t even have the balls to face the superstars who came to the woman’s aid and fled the arena. We hope this wasn’t the last we’ll see of AJ Styles, because we know a few people who have some very choice words for him.
IMPACT X DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
1.       Impact X Division Champion | Manik: Don’t count the masked kid out! Manik came back from the TNA buy out on top of the world, defeating Chris Sabin to reclaim his X Division title. But did he gain it back just to lose it again? We don’t think so. Manik is on fire, and looks like he’ll be staying that way.
2.       Chris Sabin: HAIL SABIN! Crowds are once again backing Sabin as the man turned faced and helped his TNA brethren through the buyout with his head held high. Now we just wait and see if this change is permanent or just a fluke.
3.       Austin Aries: He’s no stranger to the X Division but now that the title holds no merits to gaining the Heavyweight championship, will Aries remain gunning for Manik? We certainly hope so. Austin has proven he is the best the X Division has to offer, and we can honestly believe he will be champion once again.
4.       Alex Shelley: Veiled threats on twitter signal the return of Alex Shelley to Impact, but will he be aiming for Manik or his former best friend Chris Sabin? Either way the man could be a contender for the X Division, whether we like it or not.
5.       Roderick Strong: Who, why, how, and when… all good questions everyone in the locker room has been asking about the announcement that Roderick Strong, from Ring of Honor fame, will be joining the Impact roster. But will the man be a hinder to the X Division or a help?
SAY WHAT?!: For years in Impact, the X Division was a gate way to bigger and better things. Now under WWE management, the X Division has been given new life and a new push. It’s no longer a means to get to the Heavyweight Champion, but a championship people want all for themselves. But was removing Ultimate X from the Division a good call? Many in the locker room say no. But we remain hopeful and that WWE will bring our beloved match back to us. LONG LIVE THE X!

Friday Night Smackdown Rankings
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
1.       World Heavyweight Champion | Alberto Del Rio: By shocking the world and taking out the leader of the Cenation, Del Rio proved why he’s a born champion. But now he’s got a target on his back. We hope he’s ready to duck and cover.
2.       Randy Orton: This week was not Randy’s week. First he was banned from RAW, then told that he’d have to face The Big Show for number one contender rights. Then to make matters worse, Del Rio took a lead pipe to the back of his pretty little skull. We’d feel sympathy, but we honestly don’t care.
3.       Mark Henry: How come he’s only at number three? Well Mark Henry’s been gone over a year now, and beating Del Rio isn’t much of a hard task for the World’s Strongest Man. We’d be more impressed if he was able to take out Orton for us first.
4.       Cactus Jack:
5.       Mankind:
SAY WHAT!?: No you didn’t read those two ranking wrong. Mick Foley is back and apparently his mind is more scrambled than ever before. Instead of it just being one person, we now have to contend with all three of his twisted personalities. What we’d like to know is: What happens when one becomes champion and another is number one contender? We’re sure Foley could pull off a single man match up, but while he’s doing that we’ll be fitting him for a straitjacket.
UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP
1.       United States Champion | Santino Marella: Overcoming the odds and finally beating Dean Ambrose wasn’t something anyone thought would come from Santino of all people. Then again he’s been shocking us since day one. Two for you Cobra.
2.       David Otunga: Now let’s be honest here… the man’s a lawyer and dated stars in Hollywood. He comes back to the WWE and takes out John Cena, then claims to want to prove he’s the best in the US? Right. Someone should tell Otunga that he’s gotta set his sights higher.
3.       Zach Ryder: Long Island Iced Z has proved time and again that he’s not someone to overlook.  And if the WWE Universe was wonder, YES he is still employed here. They’d be fools to fire him at this point, because we believe Ryder’s the guy on fire!
4.       Ken Shamrock: The tweet that shocked the world! TNA were no strangers to MMA fighters joining their ranks, but the WWE has always been weary of it because of one reason: Ken Shamrock. But when the most dangerous man on the planet comes asking for a job back, you can’t really say no. We just hope he leaves the roster intact this time.
5.       Kofi Kingston: He’s no stranger to championships, and we believe Kofi could pull this one off… if he dropped the delusional tag partner he’s running with.
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
1.       Tag Team Champions | Kofi Kingston & R-Truth: What a strange pairing. We were scratching our heads at this one too. In fact even after speaking to the two men, we still have no idea why they teamed up in the first place. Just another mystery in this new WWE Universe.
2.       Primo & Epico: Now how they thought they could get away with donning pink masks and saying: OLE. Was going to fool anyone, is anyone’s guess really. Dropping the bull and unmasking, the two showed the WWE Universe that they’re as good as they ever were. Probably won’t be long before tag belts make their way around their waists once more.
3.       Team Cobro: Oh come on now! You honestly didn’t think that these two would stay away from each other for long, now did you?
4.       Highfliers: The returning duo of Evan Bourne and Rey Mysterio wasn’t really something we wanted to see, but it’s certainly something than happened. Them actually teaming up? Well I guess we’ll just have to deal with it.
5.       Tons of Funk: How are two men of this size only ranked number five? Well if they stopped dancing long enough to focus on winning some matches, we might think more highly of them.